Subs by Mothman
Big Brother house, this is Davina.
You are live on Channel 4. Please do not swear.
Mark that for the best bits.
- Patrick. - Thanks, er... What's it?
- Kelly. - That's the one.
You got pissed, put your hand in the cookie jar.
You make it sound so innocent.
Riq, it's eviction night. It's not really a good time.
- Guess who's been mugged. - Fuck. Are you all right?
They might bump tonight's show.
Because of this shit.
The next person to be evicted
from the Big Brother house is...
How'd this happen, Kel?
Pippa!
What's your boyfriend's name again?
Your real one, that is.
What's going on up...?
Danny.
Something's happening. Some sort of outbreak.
People get this thing and...they change.
They want to kill you and...
Big Brother ain't watching us.
- No, go the other way. - Patrick!
Go the other way.
- Is that Davina? - Sort of.
- There's one in there. - One what?
In the head!
You've gotta get them in the head.
Fucking hell.
Hello?
Ha, no, this isn't happening.
No, this is not happening.
And if it is happening, then it's not happening to me.
Because that's it, OK?
Is this the way out?
- No, don't. No, no. - No, no. Hey, you, whoever you are!
All right, I don't care if that is part of the programme or not,
I am not staying here!
Listen! Listen to me. Calm down.
We're staying here.
Really.
There's got to be somewhere we can go.
Trust me. Outside, it's a bad idea.
How bad?
Who are they?
Her name was Claire.
And they're dead.
Yeah.
It's got to be some terrorist bollocks.
They've released some loony gas.
Loony gas?
You got a better explanation?
The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't.
What? Like GM food or something?
Maybe.
Or wi-fi.
God knows what that does to your molecules.
Does this mean we're not on telly anymore?
Oh, what?
Hello?
That's not your bag!
You shouldn't do that!
Stop bleating.
Fucking hell.
How do you turn this thing on?
Fucking robot's bollock.
There's no signal.
Let me see.
- There's no signal. - Give it to me.
- Why? - Because I'm asking, you foetus.
Oh, my God. You're so rude!
I think we should stay here until the police come.
Yeah? Why don't you start compiling a book of your fucking theories?
Fuck off! Fuck off!
Go on, stick around!
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, Jesus.
The hummus ones are off.
Shut up!
Shut it!
What the...? Fuck!
I'm not... I'm normal!
I'm normal!
I'm normal! I'm a normal person!
I'm a...
I-I'm standing up. I'm standing up. I'm a normalite.
- Are you the police? - Open the door.
Ah, that's disgusting.
- Are you alone in there? - Huh?
- Anyone else in there? - No, no, no, no.
Get some fucking supplies.
- What? - Get some fucking supplies!
- What? Like water and...? - Now!
OK.
Ow!
You're gonna be OK.
Before the news went off, it said to barricade your doors.
I don't know how long this will last.
Give us a fag.
Short supply.
You've got 60 stashed under your bed.
Yeah, well, I was saving them for a special occasion.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Where'd you get the gun from?
- eBay. - Really?
- Well, where did you drive from? - Clapham.
- I live in Stockwell. - Not now, you don't.
Is this happening in London and all?
- Do you want to get out and walk? - No.
Well, then, be useful.
- I don't know where we're going. - The coast.
Which coast?
Whichever's nearest!
But I don't know where we are now.
Shh!
Oh.
Fuck!
Well, open the fucking...the...
Open the boot thing, fucking bonnet thing.
Come on, hurry up.
DOOR CLOSlNG
- Lift the bonnet. - Pop it.
Left my tools in the van...
There's hair and skin and shit
in your car.
It's not my car.
I hit one of those things.
Can you fix it?
I'm just trying to work out what's wrong with it first, all right?
That knocking noise could be...
.. it could be water in the distributor.
Are you sure that was one of those things?
No.
Are you fixing that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on it. Just, um...
I wish you'd stop huffing. You'll use up all the air!
It's not a submarine, you specimen.
- Do you know how air works? - Well, you've just wasted more air!
Do you even understand what is going on here?
Or is the whole world just colours
and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?
Oh, stay out of it.
- It's getting dark. - I know.
So hurry up.
You know, this whole relentless criticism thing of yours
is really fucking sexy.
How am I gonna do this?
That will attract more of them so get a move on!
- What's happening? - She's going into shock.
- She got bitten, not shot. - Get back. You've done enough.
- Hold her down. - What?
Hold her down!
But she's one of us! She's one of us!
OK. OK.
Should we, um, you know, take her outside?
What? With those things out there? Fuck off.
- We can't do that. - She's dangerous!
She's OK while she's still alive.
We need to move her into the greenhouse.
We're not moving her. She's in shock!
If she dies, she becomes one of them things in here.
Outside, she's trapped.
We're not fucking moving her.
She's right. We've got to move her.
- Fuck off. - Come on.
Come on!
Shit! Fuck!
Look, if you can't fix it...
You know what?
I'm just trying to get my head around this whole end-of-the-world thing.
It's not my usual environment, so...
The sooner you come to terms with it,
the more chance you've got of surviving.
I am surviving.
- And it's not easy! - What have you done?
You've done nothing.
I've had a van stolen,
I been chased by fuck knows,
I've hid in a garage while I've been shot at.
At! Have you shot anyone?
- Have you had to do that yet? - No.
Have you shot a friend? How about a best friend?
Have you done that? Have you?
Have you pulled a trigger and seen your best friend's head explode
and walked around in a dream
with her blood running down your face and in your mouth
picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth?
Have you done that?
- Have you? - No, I can't say I have.
No. Right, don't talk to me about surviving until you have!
- I won't. - Good.
- Oh, shit. - Prick.
Whoa, hey, I can hear something.
- Oh, shit! - Fuck!
Run!
Fuck!
Fucking hell! Oh, fuck!
Run for the house!
Hey! Alex!
Come on!
Fuck!
Oh.
That's for not fixing the car.
I think we should check out the house.
How many bullets have you got left?
One.
Right.
At least we know we're alone, then.
Ooh.
Oh, fuck, I need a slash.
- What? - I need a slash.
- Phew. - But the toilet's out there.
Yeah, I know.
You're not going in here!
Just turn your back.
Why don't you hold it in?
I've been holding it in.
Just turn away!
Oh, my God! That's disgusting!
Oh!
Oh, my God! It stinks!
- Oh, shut up. - Eugh!
Be careful as you put her down.
- Tie her up. - Why?
It's a precaution. Just focus on her breathing.
Get your new girlfriend out of here.
Shut up.
Look, it's imperative that you keep her alive. Do you understand?
I'm a charge nurse. You don't have to tell me.
Can you keep her alive? Can you?
Yeah, I can. But I need more than this shitty first-aid kit!
I need haemostatic dressings, epinephrine, morphine.
Basically, I need a pharmacy. Can you get me that?
It's my fault.
Angel, stay with me.
Angel.
You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?
- If you do, you need to let us know. - Yeah.
If you can get us some of that we might be able to do something.
All right, I do. I know! Bollocks!
Look, it's out there.
Supermarket out there with a chemist with all sorts of prescription stuff.
- That's exactly what we need. - That's perfect.
No, it's not perfect cos it's out there.
How far is it?
It's close.
I really wish I didn't know that.
Through the gates. It can't be more than a mile.
Used to get the producer's nicotine gum from there.
The lightweight.
We can do that on foot.
It's too risky.
See that van?
Yeah.
I've got the keys.
- Nice one. - Mmm.
Don't get too excited. That's part two of the plan.
What's part one?
I don't know.
We need to get past these lot first.
- We'll just run for it. - No, we won't.
Well, we might make it.
- We might think of something else. - You'd better think of some...
What was the name of that show with the sheepdogs?
- What? One Man And His Dog? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's the one.
I used to love that shit.
Come on!
Over here!
Yeah!
Does this house have a back door?
Yeah. Come on.
- Here. - Oi!
Come on over here, you wanker!
Come on, then!
Come on and get me, you decomposing fucks!
All right! Come on, then!
Come on, then!
- If she dies before we're back... - Don't say that.
If she dies...
.. be sure...
..through the brain.
You have to.
All set?
The gate! The gate!
Marky!
Get in the van, Marky. Get in the van!
- Go! Hurry! Get in it! Hurry! - Shit! Shit! Go!
Go, go, go!
Get in the van, Marky!
Hurry up!
Yes!
Whoa!
Take this right, this right. Around the back it's safer.
It's clear for now. Keep the engine running.
If you see anything, you bang that horn, right?
Cool.
Let's go shopping.
This'll come in handy.
TV went off the first night.
Oh, God. It's the 'Big Brother' live feed.
- They must've evacuated the studio. - Hurrah.
- My girlfriend works there. - On that?
Yes, and I'm worried about her.
Well, if the house is empty, then she'll have been evacuated too.
I guess so.
- What was that? - Sh.
Ugh!
Oh, my God.
Sick.
I wish there was a bloody clock in this place.
Yeah.
Here.
Sh.
What you poking me for?
Acupressure. Good for tension.
Not now it's not.
(It's over there.)
(Come on.)
- What did he say? - Sh.
- Do you understand him? - Shut up!
'Abri', that means 'shelter'.
I'm sorry.
Ange?
No way! No way! Check that out.
I'm only on the front cover of 'Heat'!
"Cheats ex with..." "Rubbish in bed..."
No. What the...?
"Desperate fum..."
What a load of shit.
They don't half put a load of shit in that magazine, eh?
"Rubbish in bed"? I'm mint in bed.
"Not as funny as he thinks"? I'm well funny.
OK.
Er, don't mention that to anyone when we get back in the house.
Yeah.
Mate!
Mate, over here.
- Get down on your knees! - Get on your knees!
- No, no. - Get on your fucking knees.
- I don't wanna stop... - Get down!
- All right, all right, all right. - Stay down.
All right, all right.
So what we gonna do with him, then, Den?
I haven't made my mind up yet, Bob.
Hang on. You're that...you're that fella off 'Big Brother', ain't ya?
Yeah, no, no. It is. He's that sort of black one, you know.
I dunno. I don't watch it.
You know, you're shorter in real life.
Well, he's on his knees, isn't he, Bob?
Look, mate...
I'll ask the questions. What you doing here?
I'm just getting supplies, medical supplies.
- So you're looting? - No...no, I'm not looting!
So you're looting!
Given the circumstances, we'll let you off with a caution.
So, what? Can I get up, then? Yeah?
Well, you could say thank you.
- Thank you. - Where you going? Butlins?
Not planning a countryside tour, I hope. That would be a mistake.
Have you got somewhere to hole up?
Where do you think?
What? Big Brother house?
'Ere, is that, um... Veronica still there?
Yeah.
Oi, mate. She is well fit.
Er, Veronica...
- Yeah? - Er, would you like a cup of chai?
All right, thanks.
Sorry, is that "All right, thanks", as in you would like one
or "I'm all right, thanks", as in, "I wouldn't"?
Second one.
- No, sorry. It... it... - I don't want one!
Right.
OK.
Can't you untie me?
Please, Grayson.
Here.
That's better, huh?
I know you're there, Joplin.
You know, you should have just asked me for a quick flash,
cos it's the end of the world and I might have felt sorry for you.
But you didn't...which is a shame.
Cos what you're doing is a bit creepy, innit?
- Oven chips? - They're essential.
So if there's a power cut, you gonna eat them frozen?
Er, if there's a power cut, they'll defrost.
What? And you'll eat them cold and mushy?
- Wouldn't be the first time. - OK.
Come on. Hurry up.
Sh.
ROARlNG Shit, shit, let's go.
Ain't there somewhere we should be trying to head for?
Like where?
Well, I dunno. Who's in charge?
You haven't heard, have you?
Stay there!
Run to me!
Fuck!
Come on, please, Den. It's only a little one.
- Look at me. - A bite's a bite, Bob.
Sorry, mate.
I really am sorry, mate.
I had to do that. There's nothing else you can do for a bite.
You die, you come back as one of them.
That's how it works. And it works fucking fast.
All right. Just put that thing down!
If you lot hadn't been pissing round in the first place...
The advice was, "Stay indoors."
Or don't you watch telly?
What's that? Is that a bite?
No, no, no! No, it's not a bite. It's not a bite.
He's telling the truth, I swear to you. He's telling the truth.
Back off, sunshine.
No! It's not a fucking bite. It's not a bite.
Bollocks. I'm not taking the chance.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Come on. We gotta go. Come on. Now!
- Babe, let's go. - Oh, shit.
- Go! Go! Go! - We gotta get out!
- Fuck! - Come on!
Shit.
Oh, my God.
Grayson!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hurry!
Hurry! Hurry!
Fuckin' help me!
Oh! Help me!
- Shit. - Look, we had no choice, all right?
- Do you hear me? - He's right, yeah.
It was him or us.
- She can't get out. - Leave her. She's one of them now.
What do I do? Tell me what to do.
Fucking help me! He's dying right here!
I don't know what to do, Joplin!
Joplin!
Oh, you gotta be joking.
What?
Just close the fucking door. Close it! Close it!
Don't leave me with him!
- I'm not. - You are!
- Stay there!
Oh. Mmm.
You snore.
You're a snorer.
Oh!
Whoo.
- Oh, God. You're not gonna be sick? - No.
Oh, no! You're not doing that in here. Oh, no! It's horrible!
- Put your fingers in your ears. - Oh! I hate you! I hate you!
Go, go, go. Oh!
God!
Ooh-ooh-ooh. Urgh.
Oh, I want my mum.
Oh, it's disgusting!
- Shut up. - I hate you!
Shut up. Oh, fuck.
Oh.
- God, it's disgusting. - Just shut up.
You finished?
Pass me a napkin.
There's a napkin by you. Pass me that fucking napkin now!
Fucking take it.
I don't like this.
Glad you applied?
-I hate you. - It's a shit.
Oi.
So I rush him with the duvet, yeah, pin him down with this,
and you do him with the knife.
- Oh, no. No way. No. - What, then?
Then you rush him with the duvet and I'll stab him. Which is it gonna be?
- I can't. - Joplin!
We ain't having him run around out there, all right?
Marky and that are coming back from the supermarket, through that door.
We've got to get rid before that happens, or he'll kill them all.
- I told you that I can't. - There isn't any choice, you dick!
- What you doing? - Don't stop, for chrissakes.
- We gotta shut the gate. - What?
They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate.
We might as well do it while we're here.
Seize the day, and shit.
OK.
Yeah, well I'm the driver, innit?
God... Great.
Great.
Come on, come on.
Shit. Kelly, get in, get in!
Go! Go!
Right. Now, focus.
Yes, yes. I'm trying to focus.
- OK, I'm trying to visualise... - Fuck that!
Just make sure you pin his head down under that. Cover his teeth.
- But what if he gets loose? - Well, do it right and he won't.
Yep, but what if he does?
Then he'll probably kill us! What do you want me to say?
- Stop being a nine-year-old. - Yeah! OK.
Yeah, all right. OK. Great!
- Let's just get this over with. - All right. All right.
Bang that end.
Gray!
Arggh!
Ugh!
- What are you doing? - Ugh, ugh!
It's stuck!
It might come back on.
They said it won't.
Well, there's gotta be other people out there heading for the coast.
I've told you.
The ports are overrun,
and if anything, it's worse over the Channel.
- Face it. We're on our own. - Well, well.
Shit.
We should check the walls out there. Make sure they're secure.
"Really, Alex?" Yes, Tariq.
Why torture yourself?
Look, if there's still a signal...
I dunno. There's... It's a big studio.
She could have found somewhere.
You been with her long?
Is four years long?
Beats my record.
And it would have been five next month.
If we'd made it to next month.
You love her.
Does that make me some kind of pussy to you?
No.
- Quite stupid, ain't they? - Not the brightest bunch.
Can't even get out the side.
Don't know they're dead.
Good old British public.
Yeah, you're right. You're all right. They're thick as shit.
So, as long as we're still breathing...
..we're smarter than them.
And that's why we're gonna beat 'em.
People! People! Other people.
- Shit. - We're not the only ones!
We're not the only ones.
They're miles away. May as well be looking at cartoon characters.
That's her!
That's her! That's her. She's alive. That's my girl.
That's her. That's her. She's alive.
Good girl. Good girl! Good girl.
Kel. Kelly! Kel, oh.
That's a girl. Good girl, Kel. She's alive.
Kel. Oh...oh...
That's her. She's alive.